i'm starting over

just a little bit.
today was good, but for some reason, i ended up sad. maybe it was all the grey. maybe it was because this is my last year, here, and i want it to be okay, but looking back, i'm just so skeptical. most of me thinks it's not.

i'm trying to fix what i can, and leave behind what i need to. some parts of your life, you just have to let go. it isn't because they make you unhappy, because sometimes those things are important. sometimes you have to look back and realize which of the things in your past have hurt you the most. you have to have those things so you learn not to let them hurt anymore, and you have to have those things so you learn not to do them over again.
but some things, you just have to leave. you just have to set them down and keep going.
i'm trying, but it's hard. and it seems sort of like, the harder i try, the harder it gets. and maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, but maybe it's not. i guess if everything happens for a reason, i should just not question it. i guess.

part of me keeps telling myself that it's going to be okay, in the end. when it's over, i can look back and be happy with the things that i've done. i can. and i want to. but it isn't easy. the most important things in your life are never, ever easy. and if you make a mistake and lose them, you still have to learn to keep going. you have to figure out whether your mistakes are worth carrying along with you, or just worth letting go. and if all they're worth is you opening your hand and dropping them to the floor, then just let them. it sounds a whole lot easier than it is,
i know...

so i'm unusually unhappy, but this isn't unusual. i just get upset, sometimes, and sometimes i don't know why. i think i do tonight, though.
so i'm trying to fix it. and i'm only trying not to fail.